


Handful of Dust

by Lexigent



Category: Confessions of Dorian Gray
Genre: M/M, Post-Season/Series 03
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-05
Updated: 2015-01-05
Packaged: 2018-03-05 14:43:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3123989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lexigent/pseuds/Lexigent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An invitation, a request, and a second chance - but at what?<br/>Post series 3, prompted by redfacts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Handful of Dust

**Author's Note:**

  * For [redscharlach](https://archiveofourown.org/users/redscharlach/gifts).



Thirty years ago, Tobias Matthews died in my arms, burned into a heap of ashes and dust. I have lived a long life and done many regrettable things, but I remember few of them as painfully as that sunrise on the cliff in Whitby, the agony of waiting and weeping, my tears not enough to wash away the dust on my hands, just turning it into dirt. I went back to the apartment - what had been our apartment - that morning with my face covered in smudges and did not even care about anyone who gave me funny looks. 

_I don't know what to say to Dorian, I don't even know if I can trust whatever he says in reply. And yet - if his story about the tarot is true, if his desire (I'm not going to call it love, I don't think that's a word I want to use) was strong enough to bring me back, then... don't I owe it to myself to forgive him? To at least ask? And so I go back, and so I ask._

Now, somehow, it is thirty years later and he stands in front of me again, his hand outstretched in invitation. The vulnerability in his every fibre is more than I can bear. I can't say no to his offer, and I can't say yes. I want to, so much, but...  
"I can't," I say. It comes out at the end of an exhale, a whispered hitch on my breath. I don't meet his eyes.

_I tell myself that this was one of the outcomes, and the likelier one at that, and that it's over for good now. I want him to look me in the eye though, so I push. "You can't what?"  
His eyes meet mine, hard grey, and there's steel in his voice. "The last time I said yes to you, Toby, I watched you burn to a handful of dust."_

I can look at him now, tell him to his face how fucked up I am. I know I am beyond saving, but to have thought, back in the day, that my love could save him, could save anyone.  
"I can't save you," I say.  
And he just smiles, that smile that's always been able to hit me right where it hurts, where I still feel something, the way no other could.  
"You did too."

_"Fuck you," Dorian says and grabs my hand, then pulls himself up and against me. Call it a calculated stagger; I don't mind. I can hear a button pop on his shirt and then he opens his collar and offers._

"Are you sure?" Toby says. His breath is ghosting over my skin, his voice a low rumble against my ribcage.  
I've missed him so much. There's nothing like the ecstasy of that bite, and I'm something of an expert in the matter I dare say.  
"Yeah." I brace myself for his teeth, the sting of the bite, but still can't suppress a sound when I feel them penetrate my skin. I grab at his shirt out of reflex, but he's got me.

_I never hoped I would do this again, but here we are. I let go of him when I've had enough. He stares at me with wild eyes and tries to kiss me. I close my mouth and put a finger on his lips. "I need to tell you something."_

And as he says that, I'm a little confused, because, you see, I was under the impression we were rather past the "need to talk" stage of the evening.  
"Actually, show you something."  
I flash him my best seductive smile but earn only an eyebrow raise.  
"Rather different than that, I'm afraid."  
There's a mournful tone in his voice as he takes me by the hand and leads me to the full-length mirror in the hallway.

_I explain to him about the way it affects him, me feeding on him. That there are things his portrait can't fix. That this is what he's signing up for if he really does want to sign up for this._  
 _He nods slowly, then tilts his head upwards. I can see the question in his eyes before I hear it._  
 _"Is that why you... I mean, last time?"_

"It was one thing among many, but, yes, I suppose it was a factor. Knowing I was destroying you, and then you painted me like you did..."  
I take a deep breath. I'm not the only one who's had illusions here, it appears, but finding that out is progress, isn't it.

__

_Dorian's silent after that. I don't blame him. Finally, he asks:_   
_"If I'd said no to you now, would you just have gone - watch the sunrise again?"_   
_It's sort of endearing how he can't even bring himself to name my suicide as such. I flash him a grin._   
_"No."_   
_"Good." He leans forward and kisses me hard._   
_"I've been trying to destroy myself for a hundred years and I've yet to find a method that takes. If the only thing that can leave a mark on me is you - I'd rather say yes to you."_

Toby's thankfully not stupid enough to stay beyond dawn, but the thought that he might, and the thought of how easy it would be to open the curtains in the morning, finish it all again before he can do it for me, makes me itch.

_I've been around for three centuries, I know better than to get myself killed by a pretty piece of flesh, even if his name is Dorian Gray. But as I left that night, I must confess, I felt a buzz. Anything I wanted, I could have - if only it kept me from "watching the sunrise"._  
 _Imagine that._


End file.
